Wracking my brain

First of all, whether to spell "wracking" with or without the "w."

Most importantly, how to inspirationally sum up 2007 and ponder 2008 with the easy creativity and imagination I see in others. To reflect on the year, with musings and memories, with recollections of what God has taught me. To look to the next year with goals and dreams, with determination and boundless hope in God. To stirringly put into words what has transpired this past year and what could occur this year.

But to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I am that reflective, or goal-orientated for that matter. Maybe I don't think about it enough. Maybe I look too hard for something . . . anything. I anticipate every New Year's Eve that we'd get together with people, ring in the new year, and then gather around like a Christmas card painting and say something we're thankful for, sad about, reminded of, laughing over. . . .

But no such inspiration comes. The year happened. There were tremendous things. There were horrible things. And I KNOW God saw me through the year despite my own ignorance and lack of recognition. It would just take some time for me to put into words, and I'd need to drop my concern that perhaps I will sound more spiritual than I am, or that I'm trying too hard. I can't - or don't - make a spiritual application out of everything. I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside and inspired. And then I feel guilty for not being like some people, who can drop a pen on the floor and write a devotional about it. It was another hot day in the office as I delivered the final reports to the assistant's desk. I trudged my way across the law firm floor, papers in my sweaty arms, hand clutching the fountain pen I had received at last year's Christmas party. Under the weight of the stack, the pen slipped through my grasp and splattered to the floor. Though burdened with my load, I crouched down to retrieve it and was reminded of how God picks us up when we fall.

Sometimes that inspires me. And other times I cringe, wondering why I cannot be so moved?

Well, having no answers to that, I must continue with my task of summing up and pondering.

The only way I can satisfactorily sum up 2007 was that I know that God DID bring many good things into my life this year, but He also allowed many challenges. And I thank Him for loving me and for leading me this year, even though I haven't always been a very active participant.

The only way I can satisfactorily ponder 2008 is to say that I want to trust God for whatever He brings our way this year and hope that it is good.

And that maybe next January 1, God may open up my mind, or at least remove the guilt for having to wrack my brain so hard.